So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
