Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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