i jhust puked up my retainher.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
