it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Randomize
