I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
im six kinds of drunk right now
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
