I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
