Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
