bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
