why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
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