Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
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Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
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Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
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