To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
