i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
i just sent this text using only my big toe
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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