im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
