dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
