They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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