so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
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Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
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Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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