So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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