so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Randomize
