I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
