Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
