The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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