My hand turned me down
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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