Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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