watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
