I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
