Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
