dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Apparently every Tri-Delt knows what I did and I am blacklisted from ever dating anyone in that house.
Well ya you lied, told her you cared, took her virginity and then broke up with her at Christies Toy Box.
I honestly thought the dildo was a nice parting gift.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Randomize
