I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Randomize
