Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
