You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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