How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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