Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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