On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
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