it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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