yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Randomize
