I think I won the penis lottery.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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