Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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