Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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