the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Randomize
