im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Randomize
