Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
