I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
