I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
