i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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