I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
