i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
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She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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