literally had 100 drinks last night.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
How naked do you want me to be?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
