We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
