My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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