I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
