You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
