thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
