I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Randomize
