i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
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