I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Randomize
