I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
