sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
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